Sora, Riku and Kairi skateboarding

silvernightingale:

khreactions:

Sora

Riku

Kairi

accurate (Riku approved)

Miyu thinks and writes random thoughts that make no sense. Lets call it an “Unorganized Thought Dump”

Ugh, so these days I have been sleeping more and more, I’m pretty sure it’s all coming to the point where it’s unhealthy. I’m basically getting to the point of being able to sleep through a whole day.  I’ll often wake up and lay in bed for a few minutes, and in those few minutes I’ll try to think of things I can do, things to motivate me to get up and about out of bed. Sad thing is, I come up with nothing. My dreams to me have been more comforting…more interesting,  which is odd because more than half the time I don’t even remember the dreams.

I just have no motivation to do much of anything, and in this mess I’m finding that even though I want to have a close sort of relationship/friendship with someone I’m not social and don’t really feel like anything i say would actually interest a person. This feeling had been something I’ve been dealing with since late August of last year and became much more difficult as the people I used to consider my close group of friends all started working or going to school.  It became harder to relate to them and inevitably harder to talk to…to the point I just don’t talk to them at all, and times I do I get uncomfortable and may be seen as rude. It’s odd really to me since I’m sure to them I may have seemed like the one who knew everyone and would seemed to know what she wanted and how she would get that. Man… Its so funny when I think about that because that’s just not true. I can fake confidence the way most teens learn to but that doesn’t mean I actually do. I’m VERY awkward and ALWAYS unsure about stuff despite what I might try making others think. 

Anyways, Summer is coming around and It’s going to be interesting. It’ll probably be the first Summer in years where I’m not out everyday doing something, I really don’t have anywhere to go or anything to do. Doesn’t help that my mom is telling me we may or may not move again. Did I mention to you guys that I’ve moved houses so much? Like…It’s fucking hard. I always think about High School and about how those years were supposed to be our best…well those were some of the worst years of life for me. WORST.  I had cried so much in those years and experienced so much. 

I had experienced my first like real ‘bad’ boyfriend who had some serious anger issues that I didn’t realize until later in the relationship and had to choose between him and my friends. Easily chose friends btw.  And then the next year moved and went to a new school. The hard part about that year was my home living conditions.

What I’m about to write here are things I haven’t told A LOT of my friends and are pretty personal and one of the things that I think TRULY changed my outlook on life and my own lifestyle.

My junior year of high school was the year my family had gotten rid of our family dog, a dog we had for 9 years. Finding out that my parents had gotten rid of our dog was the start of this nightmare, I had slept over at a child hood friends house and when they came to pick me up was when they told me. It was terrible because I really wanted to cry but I couldn’t because I had NEVER cried in front of my child hood friends family. Well moving on to the place we moved to, We moved into an old pretty small house with my mom’s co workers. Oh sounds just fine right? Wrong. My mom’s co workers aren’t exactly… They’re getting kinda old..and lazy. To the point they stopped cleaning. It was REALLY dirty ALL the time in the house. Let me take a step back so you can get a picture of the living coordinates. So, Downstairs you have the living room, Bathroom, kitchen, a small storage room with the washer and dryer, Their bedroom, and an office. Upstairs was my room and my parents room. So basically EVERYTHING was downstairs… Well, it was pretty much free game and whatnot, If you wanted to eat there was ALWAYS plenty of food. Finding food that wasn’t expired was the hard part. So my parents and my own solution was just to eat out. Basically everyday we would eat either McDonalds or Tacobell. Oh and don’t you dare say, “Why not just throw the bad stuff out and get new food?” or “Why didn’t you guys get something a bit better like…not fastfood.” Eating out gets expensive if you have to do it everyday, also, Had we tried to throw out all the expired food out my moms co-worker would complain saying “just because it says ‘best by’ doesn’t mean it’s actually expired”. Which can be argued, anyways…that chunky gross smelling milk she was giving her grand children (who OFTEN visited)…You would NEVER catch me drinking it.

Continuing, The downstairs was ALWAYS messy… even with my mom trying her best to clean it everyday after she got home from work. It’s just too old of a house and with the grand children and the co workers not helping..it couldn’t be done. It couldn’t stay clean. Dishes always left out with food, used tissues from the co-worker’s husband would be left laying around, food that needed to be eaten within a few days would be brought home by the coworker to be left to rot.

Oh and don’t get me started on the bathroom…It was the worst. I would do my best to get my business done and then out of there. I didn’t feel safe. I felt gross. I don’t mean to sound like a princess but I always grew up with a lock on my bathroom door… Well.. their bathroom door lock was broken. You know I probably would of been fine if the other family had been more..I dunno If they were more alert or something. Their had been occasions where I would be in the shower and someone from the other family would walk in and then realize someone was showering a minute after and then walk out and I’m just freaking out… I think the longest I had been in that bathroom was probably 8 minutes at most..I would rather use most public restrooms than that bathroom honestly. 

Now back up to the bedrooms… Well, We went from having a fair size apartment to two bedrooms. That said one room was just filled with piles and piles of stuff with a small path to the bed. But my parents and I didn’t feel comfortably sleeping in that room because it had no door. So technically my junior year I shared a bedroom with my parents. yes. both my parents. although my mom worked night shift at the time and my dad worked night shift every other week so I only had to share the bed every other week. Still.. This meant I didn’t really have a place of my own. EVERYTHING I did, My parents would know about. My bedroom was like the other, crammed with stuff, we didn’t even bother unpacking our boxes and suitcases of clothers because we just didn’t know where to put stuff so I had to dig through boxes to find clothes pft. We had the small TV in the room, and the house only had one working computer, Also at the time I didn’t have my laptop…so basically…the only way people could contact me was through text messages. But remember, my family was/is money deficient so often our phones we’re turned off unable to pay the bill. You know how it is getting hotter these days with summer? Well… Remember this is an old house.. We had no AC… oh did I mention the room didn’t have a Window that could be opened? Cause yeah it didn’t. So in the Summer it was melting hot and during the Winter it was freezing. Enough so that my parents had me stay at my child hood friends house for a short while.

Now in September of that year my mom went to visit family back in the Philippines and I was to stay at my childhood friends house so I could catch the school bus. Well…the whole thing was a mess because my parents had been arguing and stuff for sometime to the point they were seriously considering getting divorced. It happened that my mom went to the Philippines behind my dad’s back (although my brothers and myself knew about her plans to go)… and while she was gone my dad had been going to the casino because..yeah.. he has a gambling problem (Side note:My parents just left to go to a casino like 3 minutes ago).   One day my mom called from the philippines to talk to my aunt (what I call my childhood friend’s mom) and somewhere in it all I ended up crying finally. 9 years of knowing that family and NEVER having cried in front of them I FINALLY broke down into tears. They were so surprised and shocked by this that I don’t think they really knew what to do with me. After that year my family and I had put some space between us and them. MY parents probably feeling ashamed and myself embarrassed by it all as well. I never stayed with them for a long period of time ever again and now, I just don’t talk to them. I feel like I’m being looked down on when I’m over there.

Junior year as far as school went was..okay. I didn’t make really any life changing new friends. I thought I became closer to some, and maybe I did, but it was short lived. I missed a lot of school because I kept getting sick from our living conditions…Def. Wasn’t good.

SENIOR YEAR….We moved again. This time into my fathers coworkers place. It’s a lot better as far as home arrangements ago. I mean yeah they have a little son who is loud and cries the moment he doesn’t get what he wants..and I’ll complain about it behind closed doors. But at least I have a room of my own and he often lets me be now (He used to run to the hallway my bedroom is at when he hears the door open. It was REALLY awkward and annoying.) We have our own bathroom and my mom is actually able to cook in the kitchen…although…we try not to be out in the living much. Especially these days. It’s just getting… I dunno.. I feel like we just need to go back to a place of our own. It’s uncomfortable for me to be in a room with the other family so I just lock myself up in my room with my laptop.

School… Oh god. My school was…not good. I had like…NO friends. It’s hard being the new kid in your senior year…plus I couldn’t even take normal senior year classes because the requirements for the school district is different from my old one. I ended up having to take classes with Juniors and had to take classes that I wouldn’t have if I had stayed at my old school. I can’t say my teachers were fond of me.. I think really only my photography teacher, Art Teacher, and my Govern. Teacher liked me… 

This school… has a ..not so pretty record. Lots of students having sex in the restrooms and stuff in the past, so at the beginning of the school year no one could go to the bathroom without being escorted by a teacher. yes. ESCORTED. Apparently high schoolers need someone to hold their hand to the bathrooms. :I  Another thing, We couldn’t have backpacks. Like..no backpacks even if your class is on the other side of the school. I seriously had a schedule that normally would of been making me go back and forth around the school. Like all teens we learned a way around the rules. Girls found the biggest purse they could and carried everything in that. Boys found the biggest “book bag” they could.  Oh, did I mention that time I was spit on? Yeah.. Some douche decided to spit on me during passing period around lunch. I don’t even know who the douche was. Some stupid redneck who was passing by who thought it would be funny. Yeah, Did I punch him? No. instead I made my way to my gov. teachers room and cried and called my brother using her school phone and had him pick me up and then I cried more at his house after a shower. Well, As much as I always wanted to feel like a princess and get to wear a prom dress and go to prom with an awesome date and awesome friends I wasn’t going to get that out of this school…So I ditched out on prom…and soon after decided I wouldn’t even bother attending my own graduation. It just wasn’t worth it. I wasn’t going to put up with the school and it’s students more than I had to. I do regret not having been able to tell my teachers how much I appreciated everything they had done for me. Especially my math teacher who struggled with me so much and gave me a second chance to make up for my poor attendance and low F grade in first semester.

There’s so much in those years that happened.. even now. There’s so much still going on that I have no power over. I’m not given the needed resourced to do so much and not to mention the fact I’m TERRIFIED of the idea of having to grow up and be an adult soon. Maybe that’s just me making excuses and stuff… But thing is, even my parents don’t think I’m ready. I may be 19 turning 20 in January, but I’m still their only daughter who isn’t even 5 feet tall and barely weighs 105 lbs. To them I’m still the child who is easily taken advantage of and manipulated. And I don’t blame them…If I had a daughter I wouldn’t want her walking around in the middle of nowhere where we live.

I’m not even sure what I want to do anymore, honestly I can’t imagine living life away from my parents anymore. It used to be so easy to think I could move away, get a job or go to college… But it’s not anymore. I’m not even sure when it all changed. I’m not sure when the people I called my close friends stopped being my close friends and pretty much became strangers on my facebook friends list. When did I lose contact with these people? What’s worse is how bitter i feel towards them these days because I feel like I’m on the outside and it’s just dumb. I’m sure they would try to welcome me back if I tried harder to fit in with them, But I don’t feel like it could ever be the same and knowing that hurts more for me than not being included. I rather be alone and myself with a memory of times I enjoyed with them than with them feeling like I’m pretending to be someone I’m not.

I’m not saying no one has been there for me. I found all sorts of wonderful people. People from Roleplay groups who are all amazing and kind, But trying to build a strong steady friendship with someone you still hardly know to talk to rather than the group you have known since 5-6 years of your life…not that easy. Once again, especially when you’re one of the new kids.

These experiences did make me realize who and what people are there for me, Who I can rely on to tell me I’m being stupid and immature and playing the victim or if I do have a right to feel the way I do. Anyways.. This post is super long and I’m not even going to bother putting it under a read more because I’m so far down now and lazy….

I’m not going to end this post properly instead I’m just going to end with, “I’m going to go draw or something.”